| updated
10/28/03
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Dear
Lisa:
I'm like this ordinary guy who got laid in hotel room
in Colorado and now the girl's claiming I raped her.
What do I do - like I got this blood on my t-shirt,
you know what I'm
saying? I'm trying to work and now my coworkers don't
like me - especially the
"big guy". I don't know what to do?
Signed,
EBOK
Dear
EBOK:
You got some noogie, so, what are you complaining about?
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Dear
Lisa:
As
you know its been very hot and sweaty lately, and I
have been
sweatin' like a pig in heat! And as you also know, with
sweat comes zits, well
i've got a huge one on my ass, and i've got a date with
a f***in' hot little
pastry tonite, named George, I really wanna' do him
tonite but this zit is
really bummin' me out! Please advise me on what to do,
it's really got me in a
pickle,
Signed,
Luana Loogie
P.S. your band gets me hot!
Dear
Luana Loogie,
I
think that you should make george suck the puss outta
that pimple before you'll
accept his pickle!
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Dear
Lisa,
What is the name of the potatobug on your CD cover,
and is the TV on it's head high definition? I am losing
sleep over this.
Signed,
Kira K. Gwen
Dear
Kira,
The tato's name is "Puff" and the t.v. is
definitely not high definition. Now get some sleep!
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Dear
Lisa,
Is it true you had sex and left a used rubber on my
Oakland tombstone grave?
Signed,
Adam
Grant
Dear Mr. Grant,
A true lady never reveals her secrets.
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Dear
Lisa:
Is there a such thing has Satan? You see I was smoking
some crack the other
night, ( they were HUGE rocks) and I could I have sworn
I saw him sitting in
my lazy boy chair pointing at me when I was listening
"Sabbath's" war pigs!
Was this him?
Signed,
Shout at Your Mama
Dear Shout at Your Mama:
YES,
YES, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is why your crack rocks
were so huge. The higher you are the happier he is.
Welcome him and he will reward you with all that is
evil.
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Dear
Lisa:
I have a fantasy about animals. Should I follow through
or think it through?
Signed,
dogbutt
Dear
dogbutt:
Well,
if you like dogs................you know what i'm saying,
whatever floats your boat, but make sure you wear a
flea collar!
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Dear
Lisa:
I
am fifteen and my boyfriend and I have been dating for
six weeks. He's sixteen and I found out that he's been
screwing my mom. My mom is 45 years old and is a big
fat blimp. What should I do?
Signed,
Dispondent Daughter
Dear Dispondent Daughter:
Dump the momma's boy and go out and have a Krispy Kreme. Tell
him to get over his momma's issues and you'll have a great
sugar high!
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Dear Lisa:
I live in a small town and nobody understands me. I have pink
hair and wear ripped jeans and a Ramones shirt everyday. People
at school don't talk to me and tell me that I need to cut
my hair and dress like a girl. I just want to cry. I need
your advice…
Signed,
Sedated Brat
Dear Sedated Brat:
Shave your head and go naked. Tell them this is what you looked
like when you were born and this is who you are. Fuck them
all!
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Dear Lisa:
I've been dating the same guy for almost a year and
have a crush on my biology teacher. Should I dump my
boyfriend and ask my teacher out?
Signed,
Teacher's Pet
Dear Teacher's Pet:
Dump the boyfriend!
SUBMIT
A DEAR LISA QUESTION
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